BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

Ever heard of that saying,'what happens behind closed doors stays there'?Well I have come to realize if I had spoken up sooner and looked for help perhaps my marriage would not have ended up in the ruins it did.

We were married so young and as all young couples go, everything was wonderful, your time is your own and you don’t mind the over indulging of sex.  After one year of marriage our first child was born.  From six weeks he was sleeping through and I wondered what so many mothers had moaned about. This mother thing was easy and I could fit in all my motherly duties and still be a good wife.

Although I will say, most of the responsibility of looking after my child fell on me. My life had to adjust to fit things in, not my husband's, his just got loaded with more fun things he wanted to do.

I would still go with him to all his sport games carting along a pram, nappies, and bottles and be supportive from the sidelines, while changing nappies, mixing milk, and rocking our son to sleep.

We were still getting home at night by 12 after his games, and I would still be getting up at the crack of dawn to get everything ready for my son and myself for work.  My housekeeper lived on the property, so when leaving for work I would leave her the day duties with our son.

Two years down the line my second child came along. I was quite used to the running around so thought, “how hard could this be?” Well! I was in for a rude awakening; my second child was colic and never stopped crying for the next 3 months. There went any sleep I used to have. Now I was up all night, running between two rooms. Telling bedtime stories to one, changing nappies in the other, walking around the house till late hours trying to get my son to stop crying, and then on top of it all, trying to please a demanding husband.

I was exhausted; I no longer wanted to go to my husband’s sport nights.  I no longer wanted to entertain friends.  I no longer wanted sex every night. One morning I got up to find my housekeeper had gone and decided to not even let me know. I had to take off work to try and find someone to take care of my kids in the day.  I was mentally and physically finished. I had no one to ask for help and my husband just simply did not get it. I mean, what strain was he going through? Besides the fights every night of me being too tired to give in to his demands.

This became our fight every single night and Lord help me if I skipped a night of giving and if my monthly came along.This was like putting fuel on the fire. As if it was my fault I had these woman issues.

I had learnt very well to put on my happy face every day so no one knew what I was facing every night when I closed my bedroom door. I eventually learned how to play the I.O.U card. This was whenever I wanted something I would use the giving of sex to get want I wanted; foot rubs, back rubs, new shoes, cooking supper etc. We became masters at playing this game. Although, I knew mentally I was dying inside. I no longer made love to my husband, I gave sex and he took sex back.

This continued for 20 years before I could no longer take it anymore! I hated my room, I hated the fights that came from not wanting to give, I hated the fact that to get some special attention I had to pay by means of sex. I hated the fact that I could never climb into bed and just close my eyes and sleep. I hated the fact that I was not allowed to close my eyes, I had to lie awake and stare at the ceiling until he was ready! I hated the fact that I could never have my monthly and be left alone. I hated the fact that we had allowed ourselves to become what we were.

I decided one day after 20yrs, to just say “No!” All hell broke loose, and I just didn’t care anymore. We fought every single night. He would be screaming, I would be crying. I would fall asleep and he would wake me up, and we would start all over again. I became so cold. I told him to his face I didn't love him anymore and wanted out. He cried and begged. But I had just died inside. He got his family to phone and beg me to stay. Their solution was to just give in to him! Then the fighting would stop. I told them I could not anymore but they all seemed to say that they had been through this and it was just a phase I was going through. But I just could not give one more time.

My husband decided to go for counseling. He told me that his counselor had told him that due to him losing his mom at an early age, he had marked me like a dog would his ground, but instead of urinating, he marked me with having to have sex every night. It gave him a sense of marking his territory and ensuring no one would take me away.

He asked me to go with him for counseling, but I just refused. I could not see him changing and I could not see me changing my mind about staying.

I eventually had a breakdown and almost took my life. I decided to go and see someone for help. The guilt of leaving my husband and the hurt I caused became too much for me to handle. I found someone in another town and booked an appointment with him.

He helped me to see life through different eyes and how the 'easy way out' of taking my life would have devastating life effects on my kids.

Then one day after about 4 sessions with him, I just broke down in his rooms. I told him that the guilt was overwhelming mebecause I had not agreed to go for help with my husband. He got up and took me to his library and pulled out a book and said “ See this book? It was compiled by 10 pastorsabout their experience on counseling couples.” He turned to one page and said “This is what they all found in common in counseling couples with the same issue we had. They lost the fight in 9 out of 10 marriageswhere sex had become a bargaining tool." He said in almost all the cases these pastors’ had found that the couples went back to what they knew. The husband would go back to his need for sex and the wife to using it as a tool to get favours. He told me that he was not suggesting that our marriage could not have been fixed. But we had played the game for far too long to just change our habit.

I realized when I walked out his office that day that I was not prepared to take the chance of being the 1 in 10 marriages thatcould be saved. We had tried too may times in the 20 years to fix it and every time we went right back to what we knew.

I decided to focus on getting my life right with God. He was the only one who could forgive me and make me whole again. I also approached my husband and asked for his forgiveness and he asked the same of me too. We still continued with our divorce though, sadly. Too much water had passed under our bridge by then.

We have both moved on and found love again. God has restored us and God has been so merciful over my life. Looking back now I believe if we had spoken up right in the beginning and looked for help, Godly help, with someone we could have trusted, perhaps we would never have ended up the way we did.

God’s word reminds us in Isaiah 43:18-19 to “forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

I had been in part time ministry for the 20yrs of my marriage. But with my divorce I had just given up on everything. I felt ashamed to stand up in front of others and carry on with the talent God had given me. I had become the talk of the town and faced so many persecutions daily. I had never been honest with others for my reasons for leaving, and decided to keep it that way even if it made me look like the wrong one.

One night I had dream. I dreamt God had given me this shiny sword and it was alive with power and God's presence and I was so proud of it and honored to have been chosen to carry it. But as I walked around with it, it started dying. I could see how sections were turning black, like a coal that was going out. I ran around with it, crying, trying to save it. I took it and put it under my pillow trying to protect it, but sections were still dying. When I woke up I was crying and I realized God was speaking to me. He had given me a talent for His glory and I was not using it and it was going to be taken away from me if I didn’t get my act together.

I had now been out of my part time ministry for almost 2 years but had joined a smaller church, where I was accepted.That Sunday the pastor's wife called me to the front and saidGod wanted to tell me, my rest was over. I had needed time to recover and find Him again. But God was getting ready to use me again.This was confirmation of my dream. How good and forgiving my God had been. When I had asked Him to forgive me, He no longer saw my sin or my past. He just saw what He could achieve through me.

God never wants us to lose our first love for Him. Jesus Christ gave His life for you and me, and paid it all. No matter what you have done, no matter how badly you have messed up, God’s grace is sufficient for any circumstance. He never leaves you. No matter how much the world judges you, when God says stand up you stand up.

I am now back using my talent for God and closer to Him then I have ever been. The word God gave me has come to light; “I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”

Never allow the judgment of the world to overwhelm you when you have messed up, and in so doing prevent you from fulfilling the purpose of your creation.

Our God is a forgiving God, whose mercy endures forever.