DEATH - CLIVE

Clive and I met in May 2012. He was a very clever man, first making sure my kids were crazy about him, so it left me very little choice but to give him a chance .

He was the kindest, humblest, most generous man I had ever met, and he could make a rock laugh. He did not have much to offer us in terms of money or assets – he earned a small salary, had no house of his own, and used the work’s bakkie. His wife of 20 yrs had left him because she did not love him anymore, they had no children, and he did not want to fight over material things, so he walked away with nearly nothing but a few pieces of furniture.

All of this did not matter to me and the children. What he had to offer was worth more than all the gold in the world. He loved with an unselfish love that one does not often find in this world.

He was well known and well-loved in the community. He did a lot of charity work raising funds for various needs, and would give the clothes off his back to someone in need if he had to. We all called him Mr Bucket (Emmerson).

My two boys' father – my first husband - never showed much interest in them. Clive became the father they never had. He always told them that he REALLY meant it when he said they were his children. If there is one thing a mother wants above all else it is for her children to be loved and to be happy. Seeing how they soaked up the love of a father was all I ever prayed for.

One day Clive and I had an argument. I was in the wrong, but as with any woman/wife – We DO NOT admit to being wrong easily ☺ Later in the day I went to him and jokingly said ‘please forgive me’. He took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and said to me “Peanut, I forgave you the day I met you”. I think the penny dropped that day that this man really, really loved us, for better and for worse.

It was a quick romance, and in September 2012 we decided to get engaged and move in together. We wanted to save a bit of money for our wedding day in 2013. We had not decided upon a date yet.

Clive had always told me that God had promised him a child of his own – a boy. Clive was 49 yrs old and he questioned God why this never happened. I was 40 yrs old, and I decided that I would love to give him a child if it was God’s will. I did not want to wait until we got married, as time was ticking and I did not want to have a risky pregnancy. So, I said to him we could try until I turned 41 in April 2013.

Well, God kept His promise. By the end of April 2013 I WAS pregnant! I cannot stop smiling thinking about that evening when I told Clive. I walked into the bedroom with the pregnancy stick and showed him. His first words were, "Who’s your Daddy!" Hehehehe….. And then holding the stick, he had to go onto Facebook. He was SO grateful to God, he could NOT believe it. I could not believe it. Friends and Family on Facebook could not believe it! One friend made a comment asking if Clive had a fever, thinking the pregnancy stick was a thermometer, LOL.

When Clive told my teenage sons, one of them asked "When did this happen?" Clive just blushed and ran away,  LOL.

We were happy, we were grateful, we were blessed, and life was good.

And then it all changed. In May 2013 Clive got ill on the Sunday, he was admitted to hospital on the Monday with ‘Fecal Impaction / Obstruction’. He was only taken to theatre on the Tuesday and there it was discovered he actually had a burst appendix. Without going into details everything that could go wrong went wrong.

Clive was in hospital for approximately three months. He underwent 8 operations (if my memory serves me correctly), got septicemia, went into septic shock a few times and nearly died on more than one occasion. Every time he pulled through. He would look at me and say ‘Peanut, what are we going to do?’ I kept on encouraging him that everything would be fine. He would be fine, and he would come home to be a father to his children and a husband to me. I tried my best to be strong, running between hospital, work, and home. Having to take care of my children and my unborn child. I thank God for the support I had through all of this. As difficult as it was God used people to carry me through. He never left my side.

Clive and I decided to get married in hospital. We did not know what the outcome of all of this would be, but we chose to be positive. We got married on the 20th of June 2013. Two days after his 50th birthday. I rushed to the hair dresser in the morning to have my hair done, and then to Milady’s to find something to wear. My tummy was getting bigger and bigger. When I told the ladies in Milady’s that I was looking for something nice to get married in they grabbed me and started fitting clothes. They also did my makeup – All were very excited!

I rushed to the hospital where our pastor and 2 friends were waiting. Clive was in ICU, so no more people were allowed in. There the matron waited for us and said that Clive’s blood pressure was too high and she could not allow us to get married then as all the excitement might make his BP go even higher. We should come back in the evening. Evening came and we said ‘I do’. No one ever thinks that life would take such unexpected turns, but yet here we were.

The next month and a bit was merely a waiting game. Us believing that Clive would recover, the doctors telling us not to get our hopes up. The feces was leaking through holes in his intestines into his abdominal cavity, out into a drainage bag. His abdomen was still open from the initial laparotomy incision. The problem was that they could not fix the holes. We were all waiting for a miracle. He had not eaten in nearly 3 months, only receiving intravenous feeding and liquids. Clive was wasting away in front of my eyes. And his child was growing in my belly.

One morning I had to take children from my work to hospital. I was only going to see Clive in the afternoon during visiting hours. I decided that morning to quickly pop into ICU for a few minutes. When I walked to his bed they were busy moving him out to go for some test. His whole face and upper body was swollen and he struggled to speak. We did not have much time together, but as they pushed him out of the room he took my hand tight and said to me, ‘Peanut, I love you SO MUCH’. That was the last time I would ever hear his voice, look into his eyes, feel him squeezing my hand, and see him awake. Little did I know that. Who knew…..

Later that afternoon I received a phone call to say that he was placed onto a ventilator, and was in an induced coma. In the evening when I went to visit, the doctor explained to us that Clive was in kidney failure. He was then put onto a dialysis machine, but the doctors had no hope. His other organs were also busy shutting down. He was swollen, cold, and his eyes yellow. Still I did not believe he would die. I was waiting for that miracle.

Two weeks went by – He still held on, receiving 24/7 dialysis and being on a ventilator. He also received adrenalin to keep his heart beating as it should. On the evening of 12th of August 2013, I arrived and I saw that the dosage of  adrenalin keeping his heart going, was extremely high. Then, I knew….

I was 5 months pregnant. Our child kicking and bouncing inside of me. My world tumbled to pieces. The doctor told me that when the IV  adrenalin was finished Clive’s heart would beat slower and slower and his blood pressure would drop. Slowly but surely I would watch my husband, the father of my unborn child, the father my two sons loved so much, die in front of my eyes. I cried, I vomited, I begged God to wait, to let Clive live, to let this baby grow and be born so Clive can be a father, and then rather take me. I had my chance….

I know God did not cause this, I know that what satan wants to use for evil God will turn into good, but I could not understand WHY? Friends and family, and my youngest son, Warren, who was turning 15 in 3 days’ time, sat around Clive’s bed and talked to him, sang to him. He was so cold, I tried to warm his hands and feet. And then the adrenalin was finished, and the countdown began.

We watched as the monitor showed us Clive’s heart beating slower and slower, his BP going down, lower and lower. Until there was nothing – just a black screen. I held my son in my arms, my unborn child under my heart and it felt like the world had come to an end.

But one has to carry on, and in the worst moments of despair the one thing that got me through it was gratefulness. I still had much to be grateful for, and instead of running away from the pain I embraced it. I flowed with it, I owned it. I could not take happy pills, I could not drink or smoke (I do not smoke), I could not lose my head or drink sleeping pills – I had to take care of my unborn child. I had to be there for my children. At some point I had to go back to work. I had to survive, but more than just survive, I wanted to LIVE again. If not for my sake, then for the sake of my children. I did not want to bring our unborn baby into a world full of sadness. Sadness there will be, but ALWAYS let there be JOY. If Clive could make the nurses laugh singing Amazing Grace, I could find it within myself to live out that grace.

And then the day arrived – The miracle came! Anthony was born on 30 December 2013. Clive never knew it was a boy, but he said that if it was a boy I should call him Anthony – Anthony meaning Priceless. I only went for a proper scan after Clive passed away. God’s promises never fail.

I was even more blessed than what I could ever imagine. One angel went to heaven and one angel came to earth. A precious gift – Anthony was born with Down syndrome. Clive and I never wanted tests done because it would make no difference. Someone once asked Clive what he would do if his child was born with special needs. Clive answered ‘Well, then I would just love him/her MORE!’  And oh boy, how Clive would have loved Anthony. One day though, they will be together forever…..

I live a life of gratitude. Thankfulness towards God and towards the many wonderful people who have walked this road with me.