DEATH OF A CHILD

LOSING A CHILD, or any family member, or close friend ... is never easy to handle whether one believes if God or not.

My testimony of the loss of my only child is written from a heart of one who has unshakeable belief in God and His existence. A belief which has proved true time and time again in my life, so I therefore make no apologies for the repeated reference to God’s part in my life through this particular tragedy. The death of my only child.

 

I will NEVER forget that morning we received the devastating news that my son had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia. Two Bible verses were given to me by a friend, just minutes after receiving the shattering news. And from the outset of this very sad time of my life ... I LEARNT TO CLING TO GOD AND HIS PROMISES, as never, ever before ...... they were all that seemed stable in my shattering world!

Psalm 57:1 ... "Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in You my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings, until the disaster passed.”

Psalm 55:22 ... "Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you: He will never let the righteous fall.”

 

GOD'S PROMISES ARE FOR REAL!   There are 30,000 promises recorded in the Bible!

God's promises to His children are not nebulous. They are given by God Himself, based on His own holy character ... and therefore they therefore stand true. Oh, I just thank Him that His love and care for me does not depend upon my human temperament but, upon His Holy character.  What else was there to cling to, but my hope and trust in God - which was yet to be tested to its limit.

 

My son was just 6 years old when he was diagnosed with this dreaded, life-consuming disease!  He was a hyperactive; boisterous; joyful 6-year-old who loved to laugh and he enjoyed his childhood to the full!  Hence the tremendous shock when we were told that he had Leukaemia.

LEUKAEMIA is the most common form of childhood cancer ... it is blood cancer.

But just a few years before my son’s diagnosis ... I am told that the prospect of a cure was unheard of.  Granted today, medicine has advanced, and what with bone-marrow transplants, a cure is more positive. Please do take note that medicine is advancing daily, and treatment today different.

 

My son would have to be treated in isolation in a Children’s Hospital, over an hour’s journey away, and because of the trauma involved, I would have to stay with him. By now my only child was showing signs of anxiety, and being brave was the hardest thing I myself had to do that day!

 

This Children’s Hospital was in one of the oldest sections of this particular Hospital, and in many areas, was totally derelict and unused. But because of the strict isolation the treatment for these children entailed, their oncology ward was situated here, far from the possibility of diseases being transmitted through other patients to them in their fragile state.

On arrival, he was whisked away for tests, and we were taken to what would be his bed for many months to come. Each bed in the Oncology ward was completely glassed in to avoid contamination - and the children each lay in their small glass cell. My husband and I were devastated and released all our tension in tears as we waited for the return of our son from theatre.

I was shattered when I saw them wheel him in, his face was swollen and red from crying, and he had blood gushing out a wound in his side where they had drilled for bone marrow for testing! The Senior Pediatrician then took us aside to break further news to us.

 

We were told at the onset that 50% of the children survive, and that 50% do not.  Of course the thought that your child may in the 50 % who do NOT survive, never really crosses your mind! My son was diagnosed a high-risk case due to his very high white cell count. The chemotherapy had violent after-effects; the cortisone blew him up enormously. There were weekly visits to the theatre, these were traumatic as he always came round with violent after-effects. The radiotherapy was nasty and also caused all his hair to fall out. You will therefore appreciate that through all this the mother of such a victim must needs remain CHEERFUL and POSITIVE in order to encourage her little child to hold out and to cope with his pain and his discomfort.

 

My son and I were blessed with an incredible mother-son relationship! Therefore I was glad that I was, at all times, open and honest with him ... no matter what the issue was at hand!  So, when he was originally diagnosed I told him that he was seriously ill and explained all about his type of Leukaemia to him and the ensuing treatment.  The Dr's felt I should do this as I had always told my son the truth about everything. They felt, he was intellectually advanced for his age, so that he would want to settle the facts of his illness in his mind.

Telling my son all there was to know about his severe illness was NOT easy as I choked back my own tears, but it was well worth it. It gave him a deep sense of determination to persevere - and to endure, and there was much to endure for a little man his age. This attitude he maintained all the time.

 

Mothers should never hesitate to be discerningly honest with your children. Children are a precious gift from God, He has entrusted them to your care and could call them back to Himself tomorrow, or any day He chooses. And if He does, it's wonderful to have NO regrets about your responsibility toward them. That is why I feel that parents should make Jesus part of their young lives.

I was so glad that at the age of just 3 years my son asked the Lord into his heart and life ... because now he needed the love of Jesus more than ever. I was so grateful that he had never ever doubted the fact that Jesus was always with him. He loved his Jesus very deeply and his obvious love for Jesus was a great source of strength to me during his illness, as well as a great challenge to the nursing staff and others, as he faced the trauma of the treatment of this disease.

 

Maybe I can share just one story with you about a Hindu nurse who worked on the oncology ward with these children.

With all the chemotherapy and theatre visits for lumbar punctures, these little patients did not even feel like eating, and by the time the hospital meals reached this extension of the building, it was cold and most un-appealing. The combination made that these little children very rarely felt like facing, let alone eating their meals!  There was one person alone who could coerce my little child to take in any food, and that was a small-in-stature Indian Hindu nurse.  She had a way with children second to none, and my son came to love her very much. She had - by nature of her job - witnessed so much of what these young Leukaemia victims had to suffer, that it gave her grave empathy and deep understanding of what they were going through

One day, my son asked me if I thought this nurse had Jesus in her heart. The Lord led me not to dictate to him, and I found myself only saying ... “My boy, there’s only one way to find out.”  That afternoon I had to go to get some medication, and on my return I met this nurse and she was distraught with anxiety - I could see something was drastically wrong, and this was what she said .... “O Mrs “B” [as she called me] that little boy of yours has given me something to think about”. I asked her what she meant, and she continued ....“This afternoon when I was at his bedside, he asked me if I had God living in my heart.  I told him ‘no’, because if I did, my family are Hindu’s and they would kick me out of my home! But, you know Mrs “B”, he then said to me that because he loved me - he wanted to see me in Heaven one day - and the only way I could go to Heaven was if I asked God into my life!” She then burst out crying, and ran out the room! Oh yes, My son knew about where we go after life on earth ... but in my heart I could not help wondering if his own little thoughts were gravitating in this direction at this time, and why?

After my son’s death I received letter from this very nurse saying that she would indeed see him again in Heaven as she now did have God in her heart!

 

In this hospital, the little oncology patient's condition was monitored meticulously.

There were frequent blood tests.He had to visit the theatre each week for the regular lumbar punch to test the spinal fluid, and a bone marrow drill to test the presence of leukaemia in the bone marrow. As a mother you dared not succumb for a single moment to the trauma of it all, lest your little child sense it, and weaken himself.  Jesus alone enables you to endure all this!

My son gradually became more and more acquainted with what was going on his body.  But as the ravages of this harsh treatment took its toll on his body, his overall demeanour showed signs of weariness too.  His veins had become so hard to find, and needing to be on a drip all the time made that he looked like the proverbial pin-cushion.

 

Then came the ordeal of the many necessary x-rays; and worst of all ... the radiotherapy.

I remember, the radiotherapy block was in a newer section of that hospital, and an ambulance would have to transport my son there. Here there would have many other cancer victims in the queue awaiting treatment. This dreaded disease manifested itself in ugly forms and deformity on some poor patients, which meant being ready to distract my child each time he saw such a case appear. GOD ALONE took over those awful 2 weeks.

You see, you could not go into that cold, dark radio-active room with your little child. He was laid in the desired position in the centre of this frightfully scary, dark room with the apparatus positioned appropriately just over his head.

As my little boy was led into that cold "black hole" - as it seemed to me then - he had to be left all  alone, and remain motionless for the treatment. The radiotherapist would push a button at the control panel and a huge thick metal door with the words “Danger - Beware - Atomic Energy”, would thump closed, sealing all else out. All that remained for one to see over the radiotherapist's shoulder was a tiny TV screen of that little motionless body inside that intense darkness ... BUT, those doors could NOT lock Jesus out! How I thank God that is the one thing I had always taught my child! How else could a mere 6-year-old manage to endure those lonely and scary periods, not being able even to move in that eerie, dark room, I do not know, except that JESUS enabled and equipped him, and was with him! For it was Jesus alone that kept me from hammering on those doors, desperately wanting to be with my child.

 

 I drew all I needed emotionally as a mother, from my God, during those difficult times.  You see, the Drs had persistently told me ... My son needed ALL my emotional resources, and I was not to let My son see me down or worried because it would immediately be reflected in his own attitude.  He needed a daily fresh positive approach and this I could only give through Jesus first equipping me and feeding me from His precious Word, the Bible! In my moments alone when my son slept, I would just devour God’s Word for in it alone I found hope and strength.

 

However, after two months we were told we could go home and be under the care of our local Doctor. What relief for us all! But it was of very short duration because he had his first relapse. We were shattered, even by the thought of the trauma of farther intense drug treatment. My son went back on heavy drug treatment and once more we had to make the never-ending trips for treatment.

 

I learnt from my Bible that the Lord does not abandon you during crisis, NO, He becomes and remains a LIVING REALITY to you (provided you stay faithful and true to Him).Yes, HE IS FAITHFUL! Christ became more real to me as my problem regarding my son's obviously rapidly failing health worsened.

At the end of the second intense drug treatment came the most devastating blow of all. He had another serious relapse. The leukaemia had become resistant to the present drugs!  We had to give the Dr's permission to try a very potent drug which, they warned, could endanger my son's life, this we did. There really was no other choice!  And so we were back in the Hospital with little my little child was now becoming discouraged and FEARFUL of the unknown. He had been such a brave little man up till now.

 

Another verse that encouraged me was from Isaiah 43:1-5 ...  "Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; You are Mine, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not sweep over you: When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned; the flames shall not set you ablaze. For I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD ... I have loved you ... FEAR NOT; for I AM WITH YOU.” How this spoke to my soul - God does NOT say there will be “no fires” etc., and I knew then, that whatever I had to face, my God would be with me!Here God was telling me that because I was His, He cared about me; that He loved me; and that He would not leave or forsake me!  Oh, how I needed that and it brought such tremendous peace to me in that lonely hospital, so far from my loved ones and faced with the awfulness of my son's obvious deterioration.

BUT, because of this strength from God I felt I could face the situation with supernatural strength not only to cope with my loneliness, but also to be of comfort and a source of motherly strength to my darling son, my only child.  God was in control and I clung to that.

 

However, my little boy did NOT respond to the new drug and with great difficulty the Senior Paediatrician, to whom he had become appreciative, had to break the news to me that there was nothing more that they could do for my son. We were then advised to bring him home in order to make his last days on earth as happy as possible.

I appeal to you parents - try and imagine what that must have been like! ONLY superhuman strength from God can help one live in a situation like that - and it IS super-human because it comes from Christ Himself. How I clung onto God's promises in His Word,  like ... Isaiah 41:10 . . . "So do not fear: for I am with you: do not be dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” And then again in Isaiah 41:13 ... "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold your right hand, and says to you do not fear; I will help you.”

 

Oh yes, JESUS IS FAITHFUL, and He did help and strengthen me for as I look back now I am almost unable to believe the strength which I had.  Corrie Ten Boom once said that “grace” was like a bus ticket - you only used it when you climbed on the bus. Well indeed, God’s Grace is there when you need it! And an endless reserve! You see, NO ONE can live in their own strength and by their own effort the life that was needed to be lived for my child's sake, that is, a normal life as if the situation was neither serious nor fatal!

 

My son started deteriorating very fast. In fact he deteriorated so fast that we had to rush him back to the hospital with a very severe nose bleed and fever. He had a transfusion. Pains from the Leukaemia in his bone marrow then set in, and they once more sent us home, but now with he was on morphine for the intense pain. During all this suffering, this amazing little boy never once questioned the seriousness of his condition nor grumbled, although I knew it must have worried him.This was such a challenging example to me and I realised that ONLY Jesus could shine through a life like that, yes, even through the life of a six-year-old!

 

On one of the nights we were at home, I had just put my son to bed and was about to say prayers with him.  I will never forget the scene.  My son had been given a miniature dog, and this poor little pet had to be sterilized free of germs, so he could enjoy his pet when he came home - and the little dog lay in the crook of my little boy’s arms.

My son also knew how very sickly his one uncle was and one night he asked me “why” this ‘good’ man had to suffer so much? A conversation then ensued with my little son which will remain engraved in the depths of my heart for eternity!

"My precious boy” ...  I replied to his question as I sat on his bedside, "why does a good boy like you have to suffer so much?” I told him the story of Job in the Bible and how I thought God could only entrust suffering to "special" people. People God knew would not let Him down when in pain.  And you know, this just thrilled my little boy SO MUCH - the fact that he was that 'special' to Jesus and in the ensuing difficult days, my son would just smile when I said he was 'special' to Jesus.

 

How many of us find it easier to blame, maybe even curse God, under such severe pain and pressure? It was during this time that my child showed his determination and devotion by saying ... "Mom, the devil is never going to get me!” What a challenge my son was to me, right up to the very end of his little life on earth!

 

Nevertheless, the deteriorating symptoms like severe bleeding, bone pains and stomach cramps worsened so rapidly that this poor little one could hardly walk to the bathroom. All the while I was at his bedside BUT.... when it was necessary for me to leave the room for a second, I would cry bitterly.

 

It was at one such time when I turned yet again to God's Word and He spoke to me from Jeremiah 33:3..... "Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.”And oh, how I did this! I KNEW that Jesus could see the anguish in my heart. Then the Lord gave me another verse.

2 Corinthians 12:9..... "My grace is sufficient for you”.  Now I really had a battle to accept this verse! I felt I was crumbling under my load, how could the Lord say "His grace was enough"?  I felt I just could NOT face much more and I felt so scared of what was fast becoming a reality before my very eyes regarding my son. At that precise moment a dear friend 'phoned me and when I expressed my emotions to her she said, "Dear friend, Christ said His grace was enough for you - not you". I really needed that!

 

A few days later, my son was in so much pain (even on increased morphine). The bleeding had become worse and he was even starting to pass blood. There was also the ever-increasing ordeal of vomiting, so that we just had to take him back to the hospital, so very far away.

What a horrid decision for us - knowing this was it, the last time that our little boy would leave his home. Can you imagine that kind of pain? Yet, the final decision was my son's. The Senior Paediatrician had difficulty monitoring medication to me over the telephone and this I shared with my little boy. So this little man of mine decided it was best to go back to hospital.

As I write this now, it is with such disbelief that I had the strength to remain calm on the outside, when INSIDE your fragmented heart seems to lie in irreparable pieces - do you not see?  It WAS God's grace! Yes, it was enough, GOD IS FAITHFUL to His Word!

 

How can I describe the unbelievable pain inside as I realised I would never ever see my child in our home again? Watching him say goodbye to his little dog, so innocently and feebly. It was a pain I dared not succumb to, so I held onto Jesus to avoid breaking down. Oh please know that He DOES uphold and is faithful to His promises!  Oh, how I love Jesus for it!

How well I recall the last journey to this hospital. The bumps from the "normal" car-ride caused my son so much pain that I spent the entire trip kneeling over the front seat to comfort him. The slightest bump caused him excruciating pain and my heart broke!  The hospital staff had prepared a separate room for us and the reality of his approaching death hit me because now, there were no rigidly kept temperature charts etc., specimens were not even tested even though My son was passing blood! This was it, I felt, THIS was going to be the end!

 

I share these details because I need you to realise that ONLY the grace of God and His faithfulness can sustain you in such cruel and painful circumstances.

 

Very, very rapidly the symptoms worsened. Morphine was increased, and soon I could not even touch my son's legs anymore because the pains had become so very severe - we could not even move him without causing him excruciating pain. His outward appearance became so awful that I would rather not explain it at all to you! His little body was literally ‘rotting’ before my very eyes.

 

Nursing your child who is in pain is difficult enough, but knowing that he is dying is a thousand times worse - the combination of the two is totally shattering! And I had to maintain a positive attitude of encouragement for my dying child.

 

At night, as I kept vigil at his bedside, I had the most amazing encounters with God! Three nights before he died, as I kept vigil my thoughts went to that dark night in a garden called Gethsemane, where Jesus sweated drops of blood as He faced the unfairness of His arrest and awfulness of death on the Cross. And I thought, Jesus had every choice in the world to pull out of what lay ahead ... I had no choice whatsoever but to face the terrible thing that lay ahead of me!  God gave His Son to die for me willingly - and here I was clinging onto every second with my son!  Oh how many aspects of what Jesus went through In Gethsemane before His death became so real to me - as I faced the imminent death of my own son! Even though Jesus disciples were also there with Him, He had to drink that bitter cup ALONE.

I could not even change what lay ahead of me yet Jesus had the power to do so but He chose to go through Gethsemane and Calvary because He loved me and because He loves YOU .... You who are reading this today.

 

I seldom left the side of my dying son, constantly assuring him that he was special to Jesus - he would try and muster a smile!  I read my Bible and fear began to grip me!

The Senior Paediatrician came in as I was reading Psalm 23, and I cried to him “I can’t go through with this! These words [in Psalm 23] tell me not to be afraid in the valley of the shadow of death - but I am so very very scared!” He didn’t know what to reply.

My son was drifting in and out of a coma.

 

No matter how much one prepares for the death of a close loved-one, the approaching moments are fraught with anxiety and trepidation.

But, SOMEONE was in that room with us, IT WAS JESUS! What a comfort His very real presence was as I had to keep constant vigil at my only child's bedside. Oh I wept so much to see him in such pain but not once did he ever complain, but he bore it all like a perfect little saint. I dread to think how it would have been without the Lord.

 

GOD NEVER DESERTS THOSE THAT LOVE HIM ... He is faithful.     

God had lent my son to us for six beautiful years, and was now calling him to his Heavenly home! Children are precious gifts from God, loaned to us in the first place so be thankful for them, even though your heart breaks, should God choose to take them home to Himself.

 

How my thoughts went back to reading the Book of Job in the Bible. I remembered how Job's heart broke but out of it flowed thankfulness and gratitude. Job lost everything and was still able to say "blessed be the name of the Lord”and "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away ....”  And we can do the same because "His grace is enough”!

 

Later the night, something happened in that small hospital room, almost too beautiful to explain. I had experienced the most amazing “close” times with God, and as these grew more intense, so much so that I knew He was coming to take His little child home!

 

When I say that Jesus is with you "in the valley of the shadow of death”I NOW KNOW that was the time when He revealed to me, the very depths of His love for me.

It was then that I told Jesus that although I knew that my son was going to Heaven, I needed Him to confirm it to me, some way, as his apparent death fast drew near.

A divine presence began to fill the room, becoming more and more intense.

It caused me to stop crying and my little boy stopped his struggling to breathe. This "tangible" presence filled the entire room and I JUST KNEW that Jesus had come to take His little child home!  I kept my eyes intently focused on my son’s face, waiting to see that sign I had asked the Lord for. Then my son opened his eyes (it was not a glazed morphine stare).  With a look of excited recognition, he stared over my head, smiled the sweetest smile, and breathed his last breath as he went to be with Jesus in Heaven, Jesus whom he loved, so very, very much!

 

In the Bible in the Book of Philippians 4.7 we read about the "Peace of God which passes all understanding”.

Oh yes it DOES pass understanding for I cannot explain the Heavenly peace that filled that room. I was no longer broken and crying but totally calm! The nursing staff could not believe what they had just witnessed and they broke down in tears! Yet, the things I feared most were no problem to me anymore like having to touch his little body etc.. I don't think the Senior Paediatrician who had rushed back to my son’s room, could quite understand the angelic smile on that pain-racked face. I well remember him asking if that was the “peace that Christians talk about!” No doubt he probably tried to compare my inner peace and composure with the fearful and frantic mother he had seen earlier in the afternoon!

 

The Psalmist says ... "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for You are with me.” And I can say without any measure of doubt today that it is true, GOD IS FAITHFUL, and HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH for whatever your need might be.

 

God has called us all to become born into His Kingdom. If you are perhaps hesitating to take this spiritual step, please know THAT GOD IS FAITHFUL. Will you not turn to HIM who can enable and give you strength and courage to live through whatever life may throw at you?

If your load of loss seems more than you can bear, remember, our GOD IS FAITHFUL and will see you through. With Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, you have everlasting life, with abiding peace, to face the many varied circumstances of life today.

 

The absence of my son my life since he went to be with the Lord was, initially, and humanly speaking, hard to bear, BUT I have Christ with me, and His Presence to see me through.

I knew there was a horrendous road of grief ahead - of painful memories and emptiness.  But I had experienced the staying power of our God at all times. NO matter what painful mourning lay ahead.

Things will always remind me of him and because I loved him so, I miss him so. It is his physical presence I miss but, as a Christian, I KNOW WHERE HE IS! You see, that is a weight that my Heavenly Father never meant me to bear. My son is not lost - gone forever - never to be restored!  Christ came to bring LIFE, and that we may have EVERLASTING LIFE! And I will see my precious child  again! I know beyond any doubt, my son is with God, safe, happy and perfectly healthy! What more could a mother ask for?

 

And of course there’s absolute joy knowing that I will see my son again in Heaven one day.  Because the Bible says in I Thessalonians 4.13,14 ... "But I do not want you to be ignorant concerning those who have fallen asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that even so God will bring with Jesus those who sleep in Him.”  What assured hope!

 

For Christians never "lose" their loved ones, as we are so often prone to say ... "she lost her mother" or "he lost his son". NO, we never "lose" those who love the Lord through death ... they continue to live on a glorious eternal plain - with Jesus Christ Himself and IT IS THERE that we know we will be united with them! 

This is what God tells us in His Word and I believe my God, because I have proven Him to be true and so very real! That is why I am NOT sorrowing as those who do not have hope - oh no!

 

So for whatever your loss may be and however tragic, I have shared my deepest feelings with you through my own experience that it might just help you. I cannot determine why these things do happen, BUT I have experienced many times the comfort of knowing and having God sustain me through them all!

 

God is real, His love for you deeper than any love you have ever known, please entrust your suffering to Him. The pain does not vanish in an instant, but as you come to believe in His infallible love, you will receive His strength to cope with your pain.