DIVORCE

When I walked down the aisle 24 yrs ago I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be standing in a court room explaining to a Magistrate  the reasons for me wanting a divorce and that in front of a court house full of strangers.   Where had everything gone wrong and how easily had everything I once held dear changed.

I got married at the age of 19 and became a mom at 20. I was so incredibly blessed in becoming a mother and not once but twice. My second child was born almost 3 years later. In our marriage we had so many ups and downs as I am sure most couples do, but each time we managed to climb the mountain that was before us.

But something changed when I turned 40, my kids were no longer dependent on me, they both had their own transport, so there was no more dropping or fetching required by me. All the time I had now spent on my kids was now open and the feeling of not being needed anymore opened this section in my life where I looked back and saw what I “thought” I had missed out on. But truth be told, the devil is a deceiver and will try anything to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

Every fault I had once lived with, from my husband’s side, become magnified from every angle and the more I demanded freedom the more my husband would try and keep me on a tighter leash, eventually I felt so trapped. I wanted to run and get out. He fought so hard in restoring our marriage, but the harder he tried the worse things became. The fighting in the house became unbearable, some nights I would be packing a bag and running from the house and sleeping at friends. I now sit and think back and realize the hurt and helplessness I was putting my husband through. But when you are so blinded by your situation, nothing and no one can change your mind.

Eventually I moved out into a flat we owned, and I can so clearly remember the feeling of coming home to the flat and closing the door behind me, this sense of serenity filled the flat. No one to check on me, no one to ask too many questions, no one to accuse me of all things and no more fighting. My husband had begged me to go for help in trying to save our marriage, but I was in no place to even want to try and fix it.

By this time out of desperation my husband had run to everyone painting me with all sorts of accusations, and even my own family had taken his side and written me off.  So many friends avoided me, people I once held dear, would quickly turn other directions in shopping malls when they saw me. It was like I was the only one to have walked this walk, the only one that ever sinned. I eventually avoided local malls and places; I used to drive almost 80 km to take a walk on a beach where no one knew me or could point fingers at me.

The day of my divorce I walked out the court room and cried like a baby, I felt so alone and the realization of not belonging to any one set in. I was so incredibly sad and scared for what lay ahead.  I became a threat to every married woman who somehow thought I would now go for their husband. There is a stigma attached to a divorced woman and people can smell it from afar.

I received a letter in the mail, from my local church advising me how upon the board’s decision they were removing me from the church's membership. I had served in one of the ministry’s for almost 10 years, not only had I lost family and friends through my divorce, I had now lost my church family. I carried their letter in my bag for months before the counselor I was seeing asked me if he could read it, and he took it from me and said he was not going to give it back as it was time for me to let go. From this day I started forgiving and moving forward, people's words can hurt more than stones.

What I want to share with you before you consider a divorce are the things no one talks about and things that will become very real in your future, causing you to shed many tears and sleepless nights.

If you have kids, regardless if they are small or grown up, when the special days come, who attends and who doesn’t?  When your kids get married one day, have you thought about the awkwardness of being around your ex (in-law) family, or the new partners. Christmas's and birthdays of family or your kids, how do you share out these days? grandkids, who gets to be there on their birth? or their special occasions?  I can go on and on about these issues, I am trying to make you see, your decision will impact the rest of your life and your family. My son told me recently that it’s not really fun to come home on weekends any more, as trying to share himself  between sleeping one night by me, then one night by his dad, and trying to share his time between us and friends is exhausting.

I honestly think that most marriages can be saved and are worth working on. When you find yourself in the place where I was, stand back, don’t allow negative thoughts about your partner to fill your mind. Go for counseling, the issue you are facing may not be about your husband at all, it may be some issue that you never sorted out before from your past and at the end of the day a counselor cannot make you stay, so don’t be afraid to go. If you have fallen in love or think you have, with someone else, be totally honest in your sessions so that the whole picture can be taken into account. It might be good to have a third party involved helping open your eyes or you’re Husband's. No decision comes without a price, so you need to consider carefully before you make your choice.

Through this entire walk, God never abandoned me, and He won’t for you either. I am now back in part time ministry in a different church and all that the devil stole has been restored, tenfold, even to the point of a brand new Husband, and a second chance of living life to the fullest again.