EMPTY NEST SYNDROME

The day you give birth to your kids, you somehow believe you will have them forever, and time seems so far before they will grow up.

Their “first’s” are the days you wait for, first sound, first meal, first crawl, first walk, first day at school, first day at high school, matric dance, and bang, you look back and wonder what happened to all the days in between.

I can remember this complete empty feeling of realizing my kid’s have finished school. You almost feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, and when you try thinking back on everything you did with them, it’s just a blank.

My eldest son was the first to leave home. He got a transfer to Johannesburg, which would mean 8 hours away.  I would cry every night when everyone slept, as I did not want to show him how I was hurting. He was so excited for going and to be getting this opportunity, but inside I was aching for him to stay.

The fear was creeping in. He would be all alone. What if he got ill?  How would he know all the roads? We had no family up there and what he would do to keep himself busy over weekends? The day came for him to leave.  I arrange to go with him, (just like a mother would to make sure his new nest was to my standard) and also to just have some extra time with him. When we got to his new home, he was so excited and we packed out and set him up. Inside I was crying buckets and dreading the trip back home alone without him. I got his brother to stay a week with him as he was on school holidays. It just felt better to be driving away and waving to both and not just one.

I cried so much on the way home, this hole I felt, actually can’t be put into words. I got home and walked passed his room, went straight to the bathroom and just cried even more.  I had this heavy feeling on my heart. I phoned all the time, which I am sure ANNOYED my boys, but I was desperate to just hear their voices.

One week later my youngest son flew home, I was so happy to have him back, but as he came through the airport terminal, I could see there was something wrong.  He could not talk, just said “Mom that was one of the most horrible things I have ever had to do, saying good bye to my brother”.  He had been crying, I could see it in his eyes, and he did not want to talk any further.

We drove home in silence, and I ran the scene of what must have been so traumatic for my boys in my head. They are so close and just as I was hurting, so they must have hurt too.  No longer someone to share boy things with, or take a drive together, or go out together, my heart ached for them and to know what was and isn’t anymore.

When we got home my youngest went straight to bed. They had, had such a wonderful week together, setting up the new place and going out. He came back with a photo of them on a ride at Gold Reef City, and they had seen the camera point and rode the ride till the perfect picture was captured.

The next day I got up and went shopping to change the boy’s rooms, it made me feel better putting myself into a project and taking my mind off the hurt that was inside.

The next 2 years were made up of traveling up to JHB as often as I could or booking flights for my son to come home. I made sure I saw as much of my son as I could. I even sold my car and bought one that was cheaper on petrol to ensure I could travel whenever I wanted to. But as the years were going, so was the time coming for my second son to be packing and leaving. Here I was again, crying and falling apart inside, when I looked at him he looked so small to be going out into the big world. The only thing holding me together was to know, he was going to stay with his brother, but the loneliness that was setting in, was so heavy.  My son and I battle with sleeping at night. Our biological clocks are out, some would say. Most nights we would keep each other company, and chat and laugh while we made midnight snacks.

The day he left I cried so much I didn’t want to let him go. I could see he was sad too. As he drove away I could not talk to anyone, I went straight to the bathroom and just cried. When I came out I closed his bedroom door, I could not even go inside, let alone look in that direction.

I could smell him and this made me even sadder, no more chats and laughs, no more hearing all about his day. He was so funny in his expressions when explaining a story, you lived every moment of what happened when he spoke as he made things come alive and acted out the story. How was I ever going to survive another day with both my boys being gone?

I phoned as often as I could, made trips to visit them, flew them home as often as I could, but that hole that is left in your life as your kids leave drains the very life out of you.

I had always heard of this empty nest syndrome, but truly, until you yourself walk this road, you will never know the hurt it can bring.

Times are harder now, and it’s not that easy to just climb in the car and travel to them, flights are not booked as often,  with them both working it’s so hard to get times to coincide, so I say thank goodness for WhatsApp and cell phones. I still get them over the December Holidays each year, and long for this time. Although I must admit I have gotten used to a clean house, and through December I quickly remember all the dishes and washing I had to do all the years before. But its so worth it to just have one on one time with my boys.

There is no quick fix for the hurt you will or are going through; all I can say is that these times do pass. You will still cry many tears, for missing them. Every time they come to visit or leave, tears will flow as you say good bye. It does get easier, but you learn to adjust your life around it.

I was so blessed to meet up with a lady near to where my boys lived, to be my hands and feet. God sent her my way and it was not even someone I knew. Our paths just crossed and when she realized my boys were near to her, she offered to be there should I need her. My boys have since joined the church where she fellowships, and when I need prayer for them or help, She is just a WhatsApp away.

I would suggest you find someone like this if you have no family nearby. I have truly found this to be so comforting. My one son fell so terribly ill, and I was able to call on her to go and see and pray with him. God performed an amazing miracle that day, my son was healed inside and out. I am so incredibly blessed to have had God send this amazing woman my way.

Find a church nearby to where your kids are going, God’s family is our family and there are always so many hands willing to help.

May Jesus Christ comfort you through this time, and be your source of strength.

Psalm 18: 2,3 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.