GAY

Johan and Wilhelmina Nel:

We would like to share our story of HOPE of how we picked ourselves up after finding out that both our sons were gay.

 
Our story started on 6 November 1976 when we married.  Our first son David was born in August of 1979, what a blessing. Two years later in September of 1981, another blessing Ian was born.
 
Our lives were very ordinary with the usual ups and downs of most young families.  This changed in 1982 when my mother Gwen was diagnosed with cancer and 7 months later my brother was tragically killed in a motorbike accident. Two months after my brother was killed my mother went to be with the Lord after her brave battle with cancer. In 1992 Johan’s dad died of colon cancer, another very big blow to us, but once again we picked ourselves up and carried on.
 
David finished school in 1997 and Ian two years later.  They both left home to go overseas, Dave to take up a swimming scholarship and Ian to do two gap years in the UK. It was very difficult for me and I really suffered from “empty nest syndrome”. I got involved with Hospice and became a bereavement counselor which really helped me. I am just so very thankful to God for my wonderful husband Johan and his patience with me during that time.
 
In 2000, after a year in the UK, Ian came home for a break. It was during that time that he told us that he was Gay and had felt this way for as long as he could remember.  If I have to put a sentence together of how we felt it would have to start with something like this: devastated, broken, traumatized, guilty, not wanting to carry on living, raw, sore and hurt. But at the same time I have to say Ian was himself in such a bad place because of all the issues he was dealing with in being gay and just needed to know we loved him unconditionally, which we kept reassuring him of. We all went to see an amazing psychologist who really helped us all before Ian left to go back to the UK to finish another year there. She told us as parents that Ian was suicidal and would have taken his own life if we had dealt with the situation any differently. Praise God for His hand on us. We have, through the years, built up an amazing, meaningful relationship with Ian and his partner; this has taken lots of tears and hard work.
 
After Ian went back to UK Johan’s mom became ill and a month later died of a stroke, this was once again a huge emotional blow for us as she was just the most wonderful mother and mother-in-law.

 In 2004 David returned to South Africa for good. We had become strangers as we had only seen him three times in seven years the length of time he was in USA. So we knew we would have to build up a relationship with him once again. We traveled down to Cape Town where he was living, but there was this huge hole in our relationship that we could just not repair no matter how hard we tried. After chatting to Ian and discussing the situation we knew that there was a huge problem.  We later found out that David was also gay. Once again we reassured him of our unconditional love for him by writing him a letter as Dave would not discuss the situation with us. We could not believe that this had happened to us again. As parents we were just so broken, it seemed like there was no light in the dark place we found ourselves in. There seemed to be no answers to all the questions we had, there are still no answers, but we have found hope in our situation.

 

We would not like to focus on our, or anyone else's feelings on the Gay issue, but would rather focus on hope and the healing from the hurt of finding out that both our children are Gay. But most importantly on the fact that God requires from us, as Christian parents, to love unconditionally as Jesus has taught us by the example of the way in which He loves us.
 
We would love to encourage others in a similar situation that there is always hope, and that we are able to live again. One thing that we understand now is that Jesus understood what pain meant, He sweat great drops of blood. (Luke 22v44) so we are reassured knowing that Jesus knows our pain.

 

Psalm 121 verse 1 & 2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth”.
 
God in His infinite wisdom has helped and guided us through the process of healing, restoring us once again to life.
 
We would like to share a few guidelines that have helped us get to the point where we have been able to live again: -
 
H – Hurt.

We had to face the hurt that we were dealing with. Our grief was just so intense, and we had and still have trouble giving it a name because it touched and still touches every phase of our lives. We experienced four basic losses which we had to deal with:

Firstly, an emotional loss. We felt that we were a failure as parents.

Secondly, a spiritual loss.  We grieved and still grieve for our boy’s salvation and spiritual well being.

Thirdly, a biological loss. We had to come to terms with the fact that we would not have grandchildren and have our family name carried on to the next generation.

Fourthly, there was a social loss.  We became very aware of the fact that we were associated with an “undesirable” group and have found that we still live in a very homophobic society.

In saying all that, we dealt with these losses by surrounding ourselves with wonderful and supportive friends.  Just off the cuff, there have been three couples that have stood by us from the beginning - our cell group leaders Jim and Irene, Fritz and Margie, and Mike & Luane.  Our family members were a tower of strength to us during that time.
     
O – Opportunity.

We have used our experience to reach out to others, and in so doing have shifted the focus away from ourselves and our hurt and helped others with theirs.


P- Positive.

We have made the decision to not allow our situation to make us negative. We both focus on positive things in our lives and thank God daily for our wonderful children who love us dearly.  We are far more aware of nature and the beauty of it and appreciate the smaller things in life.
 
E- Enjoy.

We have learnt how to enjoy life again, and often go down to our sons in Cape Town who spoil us rotten and treat us as if we are Royalty.  It has been important to have a dream and work towards it, ours is our trip overseas in September next year.

 

I (Wilhelmina) have studied counseling through ICP and as a couple are presently counseling other couples going through the same experience.  (Johan) has a gift of praying for people and together we make a team made in heaven. God is good and has really sustained us throughout this experience; he has brought a great deal of good out of what seemed to us at the time, to be a devastating situation.  We have learnt that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance character and character hope.