PORNOGRAPHY

The night I found indecent images on my web history, opened a pain inside that I had buried from my childhood of a man touching me without permission.  That dirty feeling that washed over me was so intense I could hardly breathe. Was I seeing things? Was this really happening to me?  

As a woman you feel hurt, betrayed, defiled, belittled, and just so many things that bring up this feeling of complete helplessness. My human nature wanted to scream and attack,  my heart was racing 100 miles an hour, but as I sat alone and cried uncontrollably, I just felt something inside of me, saying “Be still”.

Most of us in our human nature just want to get all of the hurt and feelings out straight away. We want answers right away and never allow ourselves the chance to catch our breath and put emotion aside before we attack.  This can allow things to be said that can  make the situation worse.

I cried before the Lord and honestly questioned why this had happened in my life or why  God had allowed this to come into my marriage and so many "Why's?". Had my plate not been full enough from all the hurt I had been through in my life,  by man, note I  say “ MAN”,  and not “a man” as men are also human and  we all make mistakes and it would be so terribly wrong of me to single out one man’s wrong and forget about the hundreds of wrongs I have done?

I don’t want to go into the part where I did eventually approach my husband and what transpired, as you being in the same situation will know how this went, and this is not what I want my testimony to be about. I want to share with you how I got restored and lifted myself up with God's strength and guidance.

I sat nights searching the net to find someone who had solutions for what I was going though. The loneliness, insecurity, heartbreak and betrayal  that sets in makes you feel so depressed. But blog after blog, all I found were so many women going through the same thing I was, but no one had a solution or quick fix.

Until one night I found in the middle of the one blog,  a man had blogged a message and this is what he said “ Woman how low is your self esteem, that you think you are less than a cheap, bimbo, half naked woman in a picture that no man would want to call his own.  Wake up and see what you are worth! You are in flesh, they are on paper or net so why do you allow yourself to  feel threatened by an image of something so cheap? if that is what your husband is willing to trade you for, then that will be his loss.” Oh! My word! a light bulb went on, he was so right. I am worth far more than that which is filthy on paper or the net. 

I had watched a sermon where the preacher had said you are not responsible for your husband’s actions and sins, so why are you carrying the burden for which he is responsible for?  You are not responsible for his soul, nor can you allow yourself to go downhill by what he is doing behind closed doors.

Us women are beautifully made, and made in God’s image.  God took care in creating us, the bible says He knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb.

For the men who are reading this testimony, because I am sure there are some, your wife is not the only one making a big fuss about what you are doing or what you think is no big deal. The fact that you look at other women, naked women, unforgivable sites, hurts the one you love and the one that loves you.  If she is fighting for you she loves you and you are destroying your soul and not to mention your manhood.  You have the power to stand back and stop what you are addicted to.  No man will see a snake on the ground and pick it up and allow it to bite him, as you know the pain it will cause and what the venom will do to you. Why then if you have the wisdom to not allow that, don’t you have the wisdom to stop this which is destroying your marriage.  Women do not think like you, men, so I want to put something in perspective that what you are doing, makes us feel the same way you would if you walked in and found us in bed with another man.

If for some or other reason you don’t want your wife, be man enough to tell her and stop hiding behind your addiction.  Don’t deny her a life with a man that can love her, who can hold her and make love to her.  I bet there are plenty of men out there praying for a wife like yours to love.  I know some men will say, " Well they can have her, as she is not the woman I once loved."  Perhaps that is true, but you have to ask if you are also partially to blame for this change.   

Back to the woman. God gave me a verse,  Zechariah 2:8-9  “ For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye.  9 "For behold, I will wave My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD of hosts has sent Me.”

You are the Apple of God's Eye, and the battle is not yours against those who hurt you. Take off the load you are carrying. Stop your crying and  begging, you need to stand up and remember you are beautifully made.  God has amazing plans for your life, don’t try and dig and find what your husband is doing.  When you look into his face don’t see the images or the hurt he is causing but start being loving, caring, and block off , shut out any image you have seen, or bad thoughts that comes to your mind and don’t give the devil a threshold in your life.

From now on, choose to get up and do whatever makes you remember the woman you are, and show the world who you are and who God intended you to be.

You are a child of God, and WE are no longer  a slave to FEAR!  I know the hurt you are facing and the road may be long. By understanding you cannot change someone else and stop your life for someone else’s addictions, you can begin to allow this to no longer rule your mind.  You cannot allow yourself to accept responsibility for someone else’s sins.  Never allow yourself to be below the girls he watches. You will begin to feel the release of Gods incredible strength. Healing also comes from helping others, open your eyes to others around you who need a shoulder to lean on.

Please do not run around exposing your husband’s addiction. The world is so hungry for gossip and once something spreads you can never take it back. You have to start within yourself. God knows what He is doing, and the battle is not yours but His.  Start focusing on Him and allow God the chance to take his rightful place in your life, and He will sort out the rest. This may take you out of your marriage or bring about total healing for you and your husband.

Another thought, God never threw us away when we sinned so just because your husband’s sin has been brought to the light, does not give you the right to pack and run. You have to learn to forgive and at least attempt to restore your marriage, but this does not mean you must become fragile and beg. You have standards in your house, stand by them, and allow the healing to begin.

Matthew 11.28 says, “Come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you Rest”

In all I have said above, nothing comes easy.  With what you have been through, it will be a constant daily trial to not be reminded of your hurt through every magazine cover or advert on T.V.  Even going to the beach with your partner, where any woman passing by half dressed, makes you wonder what is going on in his mind. I myself have not found a solution to stop my mind being reminded and getting heart palpitation's when I see things that remind me, but all I can say and recommend is that daily you have to submit this hurt to God, resist the devil and the Gods word reminds us that by doing this, the devil will flee. I just didn’t want to end this testimony giving you the impression I don’t know what you are going through. I have prayed over this and ask God daily to help any woman reading this and going through this to find peace and restoration through Jesus Christ, the only One who can restore any person back to their rightful place and give them the peace that surpasses all understanding.