TRUST

I cannot give dates and times of when I was molested, because when things like this happened to you as a child, you actually don’t realize that something wrong is happening until you are older.

The only thing I knew was I did not like being touched and held in the way I was by a family member. Somehow you may even think that as no one is saying anything, that perhaps you are the one that is over reacting.

I would run and try my best to be busy or avoid having to be in this man’s company. I remember this utmost dirty feeling that I don’t know how to put into words, but can say that this feeling haunts you almost forever after being through such an incident.

Being a close family member, every family function, yearly Holiday, and Friday night family supper would be a stress on how I would avoid being around him and trying to run from being touched or made to sit on his lap. Oddly I have fond memories of being about 6 yrs old and dancing standing on the persons shoes at a family party, and have no dirty feeling linked to this memory, so would only presume something happened after this age. Somehow I have blocked out what took place and just remember bits and pieces. I was once asked by my counselor if I wanted him to help me remember, but I very quickly said no. Some memories are better left hidden. 

I grew up in a home where my Dad never showed any affection, I have never asked or inquired why my dad avoided any physical contact with me. I can remember my dad showing affection to other little girls and often wondered what I had done wrong.  The first time my dad ever kissed me on my lips was the day of my wedding, when he gave me away and I remember how odd it felt. But if the truth must be told, because I had this dirty feeling towards men, I never really wanted that affection from Him.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad, and God has given me an incredible forgiving spirit towards him. Our home was one full of physical abuse where my mom took the full blow and carried these scars right to her deathbed. I had often asked my mom why she had never left my dad. She told me that her marriage vows stood, and she said she would stay in sickness and health, and just because my dad’s sickness showed up differently from others it was no excuse for her to leave.

Every male figure that ever came into my life would end up letting me down. I eventually brushed all men with the same brush, and truly believed none could be trusted. In my eyes every man lied, and time and time again through past relationships whether family or past loves, they would prove me right.

To not trust is such a hard burden to carry.  The suspicion is exhausting and the second guessing everything drains you. Not trusting someone you love can cause the person to run, and this I have seen so many times. With not trusting comes jealousy and the two together can destroy relationships. Every time I thought I would try to trust, my suspicious nature would kick in and things would get out of hand.

I gave my life to God at the age of 12. While alone in my bedroom one day my dad was abusing my mother in the hallway just outside my bedroom door. I had this feeling of complete hopelessness and desperately needing someone to be there for me. I was crying and praying for God to please let him stop and my mother was crying and begging him to stop as she always would do. I had been to Sunday school in my earlier years and knew Jesus but never got to the point of actually asking Him into my life. Through my tears I asked Him to be my Saviour and I can remember this peace flooding over me. Jesus became my crutch, the only person I could trust. He knew my every move and my thoughts and actions, and never ran away and never let me down.

I had come to recognize that all men have a choice. 1 Corinthians 10:13  says, “No temptation has overtaken you except that which is common to mankind, and God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure (bear) it.”

Sadly this means that if someone has done something to you, it was their choice. They had the choice of saying no but chose to ignore it. What has been done cannot be changed, it’s in the past and we are not responsible for their actions. But if we allow their actions to rule our life, we are no better than them. We have the choice to forgive and move on, as our bitterness will hurt and affect the ones that we love and that love us.

The actions of others may have caused me to have an issue with trusting, but I have a choice to allow it to affect my life, there is a constant battle and struggle going on in my mind, but I have chosen to try and to push out any negative thoughts of a person when I begin to question their genuineness or falseness.  At the end of the day, I have a life to live and be happy with. I choose the only One I know I can trust, “Jesus Christ” and I can find my peace in Him.

For me there has been no quick fix in trusting, so my testimony does not have any 1 - 10 steps to follow to be free, but the burden of carrying this suspicion is heavy and draining. I keep reminding myself of God’s Word in Jeremiah 29:11, KJV “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”  Or the NIV “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This verse is what I keep meditating on, every time I feel bad thoughts are taking control. Any bad thought is not of God, and it wants to harm us.

Keep your eyes on Jesus and not on man. Jesus is the only one you can fully trust, and He is the only one who can restore you to your rightful place.